My learnings and "un-learnings"

When we know that a child has a disability, we immediately try and make an attempt to understand things better. But when it is a child without a "label", we immediately raise the bar for everything that they say and do. Why? Why is it that we don't make an effort to try and understand "all" children irrespective of their labels and personalities? Why is it that we find it so difficult to respect individuality in everything?

I have had many discussions with an old friend and colleague about many issues like this, and I have learnt a lot from those discussions. Just having another person to talk to on the same wavelength has clarified so many of my day to day concerns and has opened up my mind to see things that happen every day in a new light. These are not my rigid views, but my learnings and unlearnings. Raghav has been my teacher.When you have a child or are in contact with children, you learn everyday. And most of what you learn is about yourself and your conditionings and how that impinges on everything that you say or do.

I have often pondered over many of the following issues, as many continue to surface with Raghav everyday or every now and then. What I want to share is my perspective and my thoughts on these.......there are as many views and opinions as there are people in this world, anyway!

Tantrums
I think it is important to understand the situation and environment the child is in first, before labeling it as a tantrum. I would rather see it as a way of expression rather than as a "problem behaviour". I think most tantrums happen when kids are under stress - that stress could be due to hunger, sleep, tiredness, boredom, and so on. There is something that has reached a peak within them that they are unable to express in any other way at that time and so they "throw a tantrum". Most often I think it is not because they are being stubborn that they throw a tantrum, it is beacuse of something else. I have learnt this the hard way by making many many mistakes. Now, I have learnt to observe things more carefully with Raghav and try and understand the stress factor. And most often, I see a pattern that I did not see earlier.

Routine

Children like to be in control of their environment and make their own choices (don't all of us like that??!). They have an internal clock and sense of what they want to do and when. It is only when we try to shift the control to an external one that the problems arise. Then, they need to understand what to expect and so need to know or be prepared for what is in store for them. So while routines are convenient for us adults to make, it is better and easier for both parents and kids, when kids make their own routines. Children live in the moment - the present - and so maybe schedules would not make sense to them. And why would they? and when they do make sense to them, I think they would ask us for schedules.

When I was asking Raghav about the things he liked and disliked at school, this was one thing he said : "Amma, what is a timetable? I don't understand a timetable." When I tried to explain what it was, he said: "Amma, I don't like to do a particular thing at a particular time. I like to do it in my time." I have given him that time now and work my routine around his. There are days when he doesn't want to eat until he has finished what he set out to do - building something with his lego, or a painting. I am learning to respect his time, in the hope that some day he will learn to understand our urgency and needs as well.

Restlessness

Children caught in these time and space warps that have been created by the regimental structures in schools often show restlessness - a constant need to be doing something.....unable to decide for themselves what to do with their time......and they become so obsessed and stressed out about "finding something to do".....and sometimes we make the mistake of thinking that they need that.....that they need to be given a structure and choices and stimulation. But in reality, what they need is to unwind.....relax.....unlearn and relearn what it is indeed to be free and creative.....and learn to just "be" with themselves and discover themselves again!

After one month of being at home, I see a huge change in Raghav - he is much more comfortable with himself.......there are fewer times when he asks me what he should do.....he is better now at being able to make those choices and decisions....there is less whining, more laughter.......more smiles, less tears.......more understanding and less defiance......less anger and more peace......

Today, when I talk to him about school, he is able to say much more than he was able to a few months ago, or even a month ago......the anger is gone and he is calm and collected when he talks about it.........it has taken this much time to get to this stage......for whatever wounds to heal.....there is no more talk about destruction and monsters.....

There are times today, when I see or meet some other kids in the neighbourhood or kids he used to go to school with........and I see a similar pattern all over again......a similar restlessness, a similar "wanting to do things" all the time!, similar insecurities and fears, and I sit back and wonder about how it was for us and how it has all changed, with one bold decision of "unschooling"!

Are You an "Over-Protective" Mom?

http://guiltfreehomeschooling.org/blog/2009/04/are-you-over-protective-mom.html

Empathy

I am still understanding this.........showing empathy at all times is sooo hard! But this is what I want to do.....How about you?

http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/tamara_parnay.html

UNSCHOOLING

http://www.homeschool-curriculum-for-life.com/Homeschool-Philosophy-Reviews.html

Raghav's Last Day at School

This morning Raghav woke up early!.....a miracle in our lives! He was very happy and all-prepared to say bye to everyone at school today......he went off with a smile on his lips and a spring in his step, waving happily and saying a loud "bye" to me! It's been a long time since I have seen him like this!

I went to pick him up at school at 12:30. He agreed to leave soon, but only after he had said "bye"! So there he went on his rounds saying bye to all the kids - mostly from his class. But do you know something? The last thing he said was "bye!" The first thing he said was "I am not at all coming back to school ok!?" And that was what kept ringing in my ears for the next 15 minutes!......he said that to every single kid there! And to him it didn't matter what they said in return......some had a puzzled look, some frowned, some smiled......To him, it was like he was making sure that every single person there knew that he wouldn't be coming back! It was like he was making his presence felt.......then he ran inside to say that to all his teachers....every single one of them!....and so loudly! I am sure they have never seen him so jubilant, confident and loud before! As a mother, it was a happy experience to watch him assert himself, make his decision known and express himself without any fear.....I am so happy to be stepping into this journey of homeschooling on such a positive note!

I guess, to him, saying those words were very important......perhaps it gave his school experience a sense of closure......but you know, I have not seen him so happy for a long time!......I had tears in my eyes today......for his happiness.....and for the ordeal he had been putting up with for so long.....suddenly, he seemed to be like a bird set free.....breaking free.........reaching out to new horizons.......

When teachers are also parents, it adds a whole new dimension to every experience.....
It's just sad that teachers often forget that they are / were parents too!
I think that unconsciuosly our parenting style influences our teaching style.....
so maybe a teacher needs to be more conscious of the way she talks to and handles kids.
What do you think?

"A teacher touches eternity........she can never tell where her influence stops."

Adding to what Priya said:

You know there was one more of the behaviours ???? highlighted. Your child has a big attitude. : It shocked us. Where does this come from . a principal and a person who has been seeing ( claims ) children for more than 25 years as a teacher and a very proud one at that. The explanation, though your child knows answers to the questions asked he does not want to answer. He has a look of the all knowing and who are you to ask ? A child of nearing 5, knowing what attitude means , surprising that experience can find things in a child one cannot dream of and so negative.
Believe me, it still rings in my ears .

I have a very happy and nice feeling about my son being home for sometime. Wanting to learn more to perhaps teach him, wondering what questions are to be answered , and will we know. I am ready to learn. I always believed that all of us have a child left in them. We should try to open this up and be them when we are with them.

A matter of perspective

We have a lot of work to do.....a lot to think about as parents.....What do we really want for our kids?It is a scary thought when you realise as a parent that the people you are trusting your kid with to play a part in building his values, understanding people, and explore the joys of learning, actually have a very warped understanding of children, education, values and people!

i would like to share with everyone, the comments from the teachers and Principal of the playschool my son went to, when I told them that I was worried because my son hated coming to school.....frankly I did not know whether to laugh or cry at their ignorance and problem-solving abilities! I leave it to all the readers of this blog to make sense of.....

• "You should not give him a choice in these matters.......just be firm! Let him cry.....he will settle down..." (Well, what if I do want to give him a choice? Why should I force him to go to a place he hates going to?)
  
• When I asked for flexibility - whether it was ok not to send him on the days he doesn't want to go....."Well, then you will have to take on the responsibility to fill in the gaps......he would miss out if a concept has already been introduced that week in class or if there is a field trip" (What huge concepts are they learning at this age? How long would it really take to teach that to a child? And does a child learn things only at school? What about learning from holiday trips, grandparents, neighbours, in the car....??) So the school takes no responsibility for anything.......everything is on us parents!.....and we pay huge sums of money as fees for this??! That's how well they know my son!......he would definitely be there in school on time for field trips, not on other days!)
• "What does he do at home? Do you sit with him and work? If not, then maybe that is the problem! You should do that....make it a habit." ( So hating to go to school means we as parents have not done enough!? Does a 4 yr old need to run around and play after school, or sit and do "work"?!)
• "Unfortunately, we don't have the environment to suit his personality style......he is a loner" (So kids can't just be themselves? They have to start play-acting like us adults from such a young age?!)
• "Other kids don't think much of him anyway!" (So.....so what?! How do we know what other kids think of him or each other for that matter?! Do we give them a chance to express all that? And so what about what others think? Do we only do things because other people think in a particular way? What happens to the joy of learning for learning's sake?! How about understanding and respecting differences?)
  
• "You should make home a boring place to be in, then he will know that it is better to go to school!" (This really took the cake!.....what logic!....what a comment from an educationist and principal!)
• When we told them that he was coming late everyday because he didn't want to come to school......."Oh! maybe I should I call him to my office and have a chat with him for being late everyday to school......he needs to be accountable....for time" (Accountability in young children??!! Can anyone understand that??! How about looking at ourselves and how accountable we are in our work? How about finding a way of wanting him to come to school because he loves it??!)

Well, this is not to justify my decision about homeschooling / unschooling, but to share with others what I went through as a parent.....and understand that I had no other choice but to decide what I did.....I hope others know or will learn how to tackle these issues better than I did!

Ken Robinson says schools kill creativity | Video on TED.com

Ken Robinson says schools kill creativity | Video on TED.com

Is it ok or is it not?!

When we go to a party and are served dinner buffet style, it's ok to walk around, hold our plate in our hand, talk, stand and eat........
So what's wrong if a child wants to do that sometimes in another place or at home?
But no, we correct him and say : "No, you can't do that, you should sit at the table and eat!"
We can go to a cafe, pub or bar and catch up on the daily news or cricket match on TV and have a drink or a bite.....that's ok
But we would reprimand a child for watching his favourite TV programme and eating.....
When we are hungry or feel like a drink, we just go and get what we want, but in our heads we make choices about what we want to have......
But when a child tells you "I don't want to eat that, can I please have .....instead?", we retort with a "No! This is all you can have!"
When a friend asks to borrow your car, you think a hundred times about giving it to him to use, because you don't really know if you can trust him with it......that's ok
But when a child says he doesn't want to share his favourite bike or toy with a neighbour's kid, we say: "You must share!"
When you don't say"Hi" to someone you see everyday, because you are in a foul mood, or because you were preoccupied with something.....that's ok
But when a child doesn't say "hello" to a guest who has come home, it's not ok.
So ....what's really ok and what is not?
Why is it that we give ourselves so many choices but not our kids?